Saturday, September 3, 2011 at9:49 PM

I'VE MOVED TO A DIFFERENT SITE. [:
www.flymetothemoontonight.tumblr.com
COME VISIT. LOL. IF YOU WANT.
PLEASE, NO HATERS.
SEE YA. :D

Life can be such a bitch sometimes

Saturday, December 11, 2010 at11:46 PM

Dear Diary,

Haha. I love writing that. Kind of makes the blog much more personal. So, I'm blogging again after another long break. I knew I would let the blog die again. Lol. Good thing I hadn't made any promises.

Judging by the heading I had given this post, I'm guessing that my current mood isn't very hard to place. Yeap, I'm in quite a foul mood. Well, maybe 'foul' isn't the right word. 'Sad' would be a more fitting term to use. But the sadness had already started engulfing me, once again, since the day I turned sixteen.

7th December 2010. The day I had officially turned sixteen. The day had been downright fucked up. Seriously, I'm not being dramatic or whatsoever. My birthday had been a fucked up mess. My FATHER didn't wish me. Not at all. It's either he forgot, couldn't be bothered or was holding things against me. All three excuses are equally upsetting, so it makes no difference with regards to which is the correct reason. I mean, he's my Father for god's sake. I've loved him all my life and this is what I get for having stood up for my rights that past one week. Is defending myself a crime? I can't just keep succumbing to him and not spare myself a thought. I'm not a saint who sacrifices everything she has. I'm human too.
As if my father not wishing me wasn't enough, my phone had been astoundingly silent that whole day. Sure, I got tons of wishes on FB. But it would have been nice if someone, other then my sister and Jboi, had taken the effort to call me up and wish me. I could even bet that a few had forgotten. A few who I had thought of as my closest friends. Better still, one of my closest friends didn't wish me.

So, this is where I start ranting about the ridge that has formed between me and my friends.
I love them, I really do. I know it's my fault for not being there often enough. But a true friendship would last through all that. Most of my attention and energy is often caught amidst family matters. I'm left little and sometimes nothing at all to channel into my friendships. Then again, like I had mentioned before, a true friendship would last through all of that. A true friend would understand and give their all to uphold the friendship we share. To make is last. Instead, I've found myself becoming the dummy whose back they enjoy stabbing these days. I'm not going to elaborate any further about what's happening. I would rather talk about how I'm feeling.

I'm feeling lonely. Completely and utterly alone. I'm surrounded by so many people, yet the loneliness has engulfed me once again, bringing sadness along with it as well. I had grown very close to my sister, but I've come to realise that no matter how close we are, there are certain things that I can't help with. Things that requires her friends' help and not mine. And of course, when she's down at times, she would seek out her friends instead of me. I don't blame her, though. It's my fault for not knowing how to help her. All I can do is stay silent and let her have her space. Besides, she's 21 and I'm only 16. I'm glad that she confides in my often about everything, but does it change the fact that her friends would always come first? Hm. If I didn't know any better, I'd say I sound jealous. Maybe i am. Jealous about the fact that I can't help her like her friends help her. Once again, it's not her fault. Blame it on my inability to help her. I'm pretty darn useless when she cries and such. I just stand there not knowing what to do. I would probably be afraid as well, since I don't know what would make her snap. I'd be afraid about ruining her already ruined mood with my annoying chatter. Yes, I know I'm annoying. You know, if it wasn't for her, my 16th birthday would have been completely disappointing. She had called me up, wished me, told me she loved me and made my day. How I wish I could also make her day with just a single sentence. I'm starting to feel like I'm failing her as a sister. I mean, she understands me so well and knows what to say to make me happy. I, on the other hand, have got not a single clue what to do when she's down and let fear overwhelm me, keeping my mouth shut.

Then there are my sister's friends. Jboi, is the only one who I've grown close to. I've managed to come out of my shell and learned to be a little less introverted around him. I'm totally fond of him. He's like an awesome brother to me. Still, there's still such a huge gap in our friendship. I can't deny the glaring truth, can I? The fact that he would always be my sister's friend and not exactly mine. Every one of the boys would always be my sister's friend and not mine. Once again, it's not their fault. I guess it had been foolish of me to look for friendship amidst them since my own friends had drifted away from me. I mean, if my own friends would drift away from me, what's the point of trying to befriend my sister's friends? [ Yes, i know how confusing it sounds. But blehh ]

All this would bring us back the whole 'I'm feeling so lonely' thing again. I just feel so alone. Like I'm the only person on a ship in the middle of a ocean. Surrounded by water, yet utterly alone. I'm yearning for some attention. Yearning for some love and care. I, too, want someone to always be there for me, call me in the middle of the night, bring me out, give me surprises, make me come out of my shell, make me laugh endlessly and help me smile no matter how sad I might feel. Someone to take away this agonizing feeling of loneliness.

I'll be totally honest, okay? I feel so lonely that I don't see the point in living anymore. My father no longer loves me and I don't wish to talk to him either, my mother hardly has time to listen to me, my friends have left me and my sister doesn't need another burden in her life. Yea, that's what I feel like. Like an unwanted burden. What's the point of forcing myself, a burden, onto others right? I've tried shutting out, but it never really works. I've tried to ignore how I feel, but it doesn't work either. Eventually, the feeling of loneliness attacks me once again and would have it's death-like hold around my neck, choking me slowly.



I'm standing in the middle of a room filled with light, yet I feel like I'm surrounded by nothing but darkness. I'm standing on solid ground, yet I feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper into an empty void filled with nothingness. I'm standing on the rooftop while the cool air's brushing against my skin constantly, yet I feel like my body's being burned a white-hot flame. I'm pointing at all the different people in an attempt to find the source for this mayhem, yet it seems my finger points back to me and tells me i'm the one to be blamed.

The good times just keep coming, don't they?

Thursday, September 2, 2010 at5:48 PM

I guess i had been right to ask myself to chuck away those feelings i had mentioned in the post before this. I hadn't been expecting my 'love' life to take such a drastic turn. Though, i think i've gotten a little used to it by this point. Every time, EVERY TIME i find myself crushing on someone, it so happens that a friend of mine crushes on that very same person. And it gets better. Without fail, they would come to me and break the news before i even get the chance to sort my feelings for the person out. I would have to hide the hurt and shock, put on the best smile i can and congratulate them. What's worse is that they would ask me for advice. Ask me for help. 'What to do? Do you think he likes me? Can you put in a good word with him for me?' and i'll have to say 'Sure, he likes you. You should go confess to him. I'll definitely put in a few good words for you'. Always the same thing. I'm getting a little sick and tired of it. Not to sound like a bitch, but don't i deserve to crush on someone and not have to give him up for my friends?

I value my friendship which is why i can't seem to tell them that i like the same guy they do. I force myself into giving up my feelings for this certain someone so that it wouldn't come between me and my friend. Besides, compared to my friends i probably don't stand a chance, do i? I keep telling myself that it's for the best. That my friends deserve to be happy. But don't i deserve to be happy as well? I try to talk myself into believing that i'll be perfectly fine. Still, the damage has been done and the hurt just won't go away. It gnaws at me from within, claws at my insides and shreds my heart.

Don't get me wrong, i LOVE my friends. However, i would like to able to crush on someone without having to give that certain someone up. Sure, i hadn't been very sure of my feelings for the 'person' i had mentioned in the post before. But obviously, it wasn't just my imagination that had churned up that feeling. I truly did feel the 'affection' i had talked about. I couldn't stop myself as i fell harder for him with every passing minute. Hours later, my friend comes to me and tells me how much she likes him and pops my little bubble of hope. You have no idea how much it hurts, really. I mean if it happened just once, maybe it wouldn't feel this bad. But it hasn't just happened once. It has happened so many freakin' times. There's only so much a girl can take, ya'know?

My first crush goes down the drain when he comes to me, telling me he likes my friend. I ended up match-making them. Hooray.
The next few crushes went down the drain as well when my friends came to me, telling me how much they liked the said next few crushes.
And now, this. I'm giving up my feelings for someone all over again for a friend who i don't wish to lose. But do i want to lose this certain someone i like? Obviously not. Of course, i can't keep them both. I had to choose and god forbid me, i chose. I chose my friend.

Mind you, i'm not wallowing in self pity. I'm simply trying to mend my constantly broken heart by pouring out my thoughts and feelings in here. This blog of mine has become more personal. Which is why i made it private. I want this to be my internet diary. A diary that only i, and perhaps one or two others, can read.

I just.. Wish that it didn't have to keep ending like this. Ending with me sacrificing my feelings. It hurts. It hurts a whole bloody lot. And honestly, my feelings for this 'certain someone' was somewhat different than my feelings for the other 'certain someones'. It was more.. Stronger. More prominent. I had definitely been falling for him hard. Very hard. It's going to take some time to get over it. It's happening all too soon. I just started to realise my feelings for him and already i have to give it up for a friend? Not an easy feat. I doubt i'll be able to get over my feelings for him anytime soon. Who knows? I might even try and wait for him. Of course, i would have to deal with the feeling of guilt then. Guilty because i liked the boy my friend liked. Guilty because i couldn't get over him even though i knew she liked him. How unfair. I have to deal with all this and keep her happy.

However, when i see that smile of my friend's face, thinking that he was only hers, it makes me think that maybe, just maybe, my suffering might be worthwhile. Making her happy makes all the pain go away. For the moment, at least. Knowing that her hopes and feelings didn't have to be crushed like mine did was a piece of information which was soothing in its own way. Seeing her joyous and love struck makes all the suffering seem so worthwhile. Well, what do you think? Is it worthwhile? I just can't give up my friendship for a boy, even though the boy happens to have made me fall head over heels for him ( Lol. Cheesy or what? Don't mind the cheesiness. x.x ). Good friends are hard to come by and i might as well treasure this friendship while i still have it. Why wreck my friendship for a boy who i hardly think i have a chance with, eh? If it makes her happy and if it makes him happy then i might as well just stay like i am now. Be the girl who has to hide her feelings for him and helps with getting her friend and him together. Okay, now i'm really starting to sound like i'm wallowing in self pity. Blehhh.

I'm just going to stop talking about it for now. It just hurts even more to think about it. So yea, let us move on to a lighter topic.

Well, today was Shieh Ying's birthday. She's turned sixteen! And i'm still about three months away from turning sixteen. =/ Anywho, we celebrated her birthday and it was super duper duper duper fun! Seriously! Check the pictures out of FB. ;D I loved the cake, all the laughter and all the smiles. It lifted up my spirits which had been a little down. (:
Ying, Ms Drama Queen,
I totally and absolutely <3 you. Haha. In a sister-sister friend-friend way. She's cute, dramatic and completely huggable. Lol. Is that even a word? Huggable. d: Anywaaays, she's super smart and extremely funny. I'm lucky to have found a friend like her. (: I'm lucky to have found friends like the rest of THEM as well. Too lazy to type out the names. Hehe.

Right, so, this is where i should probably get going. My post is freakin' long. Lol. Oh and i changed the blogskin. I didn't want something that was white or black. Kinda got tired of those colours so i chose something like beige. I think it looks simple and nice, just the way i like it. (: Okieeee. Imma take off now. Bye Bee~

xoxo
Geetha

Kryptonite

Wednesday, September 1, 2010 at5:16 PM

If i'm Superman, then you're my kryptonite. (:
Translation: You're my weakness.

Yeap, that phrase up there is actually my FB status right now. Hee~ Sooo. Well, i was reading through my posts the other night and i realized that it's been a rather long time since i sounded like a love-struck girl who loved to write totally cheesy things and what not. Damn, how embarrassing. Lol. Then again, i was 15 then and 15 now (Though, i'll be turning 16 in about three months time). I can't help it. (: What kind of a girl would i be if i didn't sound love-struck now and then, eh? So, i've decided to rant about 'love' today. Muahaha. Don't like it? Here's the solution: See that red box at the top right-hand corner of the page with a big cross in it? Click on it and you wouldn't have to read this post. :D

Right, so, let us begin. It's amazing how i used to like a certain someone a little too much even though i knew perfectly well that i didn't have a chance with him. Totally stupid of me. But at least i've gotten over it now. (: Honestly, i have. Come to think of it, i haven't had time for anything related to love. I've been totally busy with school and family. Guess, being a teenager isn't as easy as it should have been. I know a few people who are single and feel totally lonely. They're almost desperate to find someone to love. I, on the other hand, feel the opposite way. I'm single and feel totally happy just the way i am. I'm perfectly fine with the way things are right now. Really, i do. Perhaps it could be because i've been too busy to actually have the time to feel desperate for love? I don't know. It might also be because i've convinced myself that i don't need anything to do with relationship after having seen so many people suffer while they were in relationships. That might just be it. I'm scared. Scared of getting myself into a relationship. It's the fact that it might be doomed that scares me. In my earlier days, i might have been prepared to face that doom, but i'm no longer prepared. All that bravado has melted away over the years as i watch people i know go through so much agony because of relationships. So i've persuaded myself into thinking that i don't need any relationships. Convinced myself that i'm be perfectly fine with being single.

Of course, this is where i mention how most people are barely able to escape the clutches of love. Or well, in most teenagers' case, what they presume to be love. I, for one, don't think that it's possible to find love at this age. It's impossible. Or at least, almost impossible. Teenagers are still a little behind on the maturity scale to actually find love. What comes at this age is called affection. Or maybe even lust. Either, or. Who knows? It's hard to differentiate the two things when struck by 'em. Whatever it is, i don't think it's wrong to get involved in a relationship, though. It's perfectly fine if both parties don't step out of the line and don't let it affect their studies. A good relationships will definitely bring forth a perfect balance between studies and everything else. Am i even making sense? Okay, never mind. Let's just move on.

So, you're probably wondering what's up with the lecture on what love is and blah, blah, blah. Well, i think i might be feeling that affection for someone. I don't know for sure, but yea. There you have it. However, there's a slight problem. I don't know why, but i just feel like this will never work out. I feel like i'm just way too out of his league. And maybe i am. It's at times like this that i would love to get a few reassurances. A few encouraging words. Of course, no matter what i got, there will always be a question lingering amongst my thoughts. Am i really worthy enough for him?
When you compare him to me, the difference is just so prominent. So evident. Maybe it's best i chucked this feeling away before it grew into something bigger? Because, honestly, i'm not prepared to get my hopes high only to have crushed mercilessly. Remember the phrase "The bigger you are, the harder you fall" ? The bigger this feeling gets the harder it'll fall and crash. Not a good thing. Best if i got rid of it before if grew.. Still, it's easier said then done. However, i'm just gonna try. Who knows? It might be nothing more than just my imagination that had churned up this feeling, right?

Well, i guess that's about it folks. Enough chattery about 'love'. I have ta go before my mom starts shouting at me so that i'll get off the computer (I've been on for hours). Oh and before i go, here are a few songs that i'm recommending for people to hear. They might be old, but they're awesome anyways.

-Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down
-Best I Ever Had by State of Shock
-Innocence by Avril Lavigne
-Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls
-Here Without You by 3 Doors Down
-Love Game by Lady Gaga
-A Total Eclipse Of The Heart ( Glee cast version )
-4 Minutes ( Glee cast version )
-Beth ( Glee cast version )

And finally before i part, i would like to announce officially to the whole world that i'm a total GLEEK. (: Glee is the best show ever. WATCH IT! d: And if you're one of those people who hate Glee, lemme tell you this: You're a sad excuse for a living thing and you can go and jump off a building for all i care. Heee~ Right, i should better go. Bye Bee~

xoxo
Geetha

Ranting, as usual.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010 at8:57 PM

Once again, i've failed to keep my blog alive. xD Sorry. Can't help it. It's become a habit, i guess. So, no more empty promises saying that i'll revive my blog and keep it alive. Oh, and no more trying to convince myself that i'll be able to keep the blog alive. I figured it's just not gonna work. My blog's eventually gonna die again before i revive it for the millionth time and then let it die again. Lol.

Alright, so, what have i been up to these days? Well, i've been studying like i have never before and this is where the list of things i had done this month ends, excluding daily necessities and such. You get my point, don't you? No? Okay, i'll make it simpler for you. The point: I've been studying for my N-levels. Yes, yes. You heard right. I'm studying. Honestly, i am. Don't start giving me those looks of disbelief! I'm already getting enough of those looks from my mother when she comes home to see me sitting at the table with my textbooks all around me. She would be all "I can't believe it. You're studying?". Seriously, why is it so hard for people to believe that i'm studying? Okay, maybe it's because i'm not the studious kind. But i am now. First, she complains that i don't study at all. And when i do study, she refuses to accept it. Mothers. Their so hard to understand sometimes.

Moving on.. There's been this big worry of mine that's been bugging me for a while now. And what better way to get rid of that worry than to rant in my almost dead blog, eh? (:
One word: N-levels.
Truth be told, i'm not scared of my Ns. I'm just nervous, you know? The kind of nervousness you'll experience when you're about to stand in front of your whole school and make an announcement. I'm not sure why i'm nervous though. Is it the same as being scared? I don't really think so.. Blehhh, i don't know! I'm kind of confused. Perhaps, i just want to go to Sec 5 so badly that suddenly the Ns have become my biggest worry? And the fact that it's my biggest worry is making me nervous? Nervous because i might not do well or something along that line? Perhaps.

Anyways, moving on. There are just soooo many movies i wanna watch. Seriously, so many. Why do all the good movies have to be released during the time where i'm not able to catch 'em? =/ It always happens to me! Always. =.= Right, so, here's a list of the movies i want to watch:

-Salt
-Inception
-The Last Airbender
-Despicable Me
-Sorcerer's Apprentice
-Eclipse ( I STILL haven't watched that movie. =.= )
-The Last Song ( STILL haven't watched that movie either. =.= )
-StreetDance 3D
-Step Up 3


And there you have it. The list of the movies i want to watch.. For now. I've got a feeling it's gonna become even longer within the next month. =/

So, tomorrow's Teachers' Day. Happy Teachers' Day to all the amazing teachers out there! You guys RULE (:
Oh, oh, oh! I would like to talk about today's Teachers' Day celebration in my school. I have to say, it's the best teachers' day celebration i've ever been part of. Honestly! The performances was great and the videos were touching. (: I would like to talk about a few people at this point. Shaza, Junior, Is, Sara, Aswan and Ben were simply astounding! A big thumbs-up to all six of them for their amazing performances. :D The dance performances were amazing as well. (: Oh and Andrew and team, you guys did the rendition of Glee's Don't Stop Believing pretty well as well. Hmm, did i miss out anyone? If yes, i'm sorry. d:

Okaaaay. I would love to rant on. Buuut i have to go. ._. My dinner's calling me! d: Okay. Bye bee~

xoxo
Geetha

Tuesday, May 18, 2010 at7:50 PM

Harlow Earthlings!

Hehe. Hmm, well, i'm trying to revive my blog. Again! Yea, yea, i know i keep letting it die. But hey, my blog's like a cat. It had nine lives. ;D Muahahaha. Anyways, you're probably wonderin' what got me to revive my blog( again ). Well, i was just checking out a few of my friends' blogs and i realized how much i missed ranting online. d: I really do miss it, ya'know? So yea. I'm reviving my blog and am gonna try my best and keep it alive.

Sooooo, here are some updates:

=>MYEs are finally over! YEA!
=>I need a break. An outing.
=>Life's a bitch but i'm surviving. ;D
=>I wanna buy Chosen ( House of night series ) and The Last Song ( by Nicholas Sparks ).

MYEs.
Well, MYEs were okay-okay la. Maths papers were a killer. Chemistry was a killer. Physics was okay. English was okay. MTL was easy. Geog was a killer. SS was a killer. All in all, most of the papers were hard but i think i should pass most of the papers. Though, i would be ecstatic if i manged to get a few As. Greedy? Not exactly. I studied pretty hard, ya'know? I think that all of those who studied hard, including myself, deserve some As in our Report Cards for MY. Don't you agree with me?

A break.
Since MYEs are over, i thought that i'll spend this week slacking. After all, i have to start studying next week onwards. I can't slack for very long anymore since i've got my National Exams coming up soon. Damn, it's already MAY! Sooooo freakin' fast. I just need a BREAK. I'm bloody darn stressed out about many things and an outing would be my only escape. I'm pretty sure i'll find time soon.

I will Survive ;D
Life's been a bitch these past few months. Lots of things going on at home, but i'm surviving. I haven't cracked under pressure. Almost did, but i managed to pull it together. What can i say? I'm a strong girl. d: Okay, okay. I shall stop praising myself. I don't want to come across as a self obsessed weirdo.

Books.
I resisted the temptation of books for one whole week! Muahaha. Since it was MYEs i didn't want to get distracted from my studies by books so i avoided the library. I didn't buy nor read any books. ;D Now that i'm free, i need to buy some books. I had read the first book in the House of Night series. Marked. And wow, it wasn't that bad. I want to buy/borrow the second book, Chosen. Then there's Nicholas Sparks. He's been quite the hot author in the market for some time now. I heard his books were really nice so i've decided to buy one of his books. The Last Song. Yes, the one that's been made into a movie starring Miley Cyrus. I'll watch the movie. But i'll read the book also. After all, the books are always better than the movies because they are more detailed and such. (:

Righto, i should get going know. My mom's glaring daggers at me. d:
Bye Bee~

xoxo
Geetha

LMAO!

Friday, January 22, 2010 at5:03 PM

Just for laughs gags! Awesome! LMAO.




Look at their reactions! LMAO! Priceless!