The good times just keep coming, don't they?
Thursday, September 2, 2010 at5:48 PM
I guess i had been right to ask myself to chuck away those feelings i had mentioned in the post before this. I hadn't been expecting my 'love' life to take such a drastic turn. Though, i think i've gotten a little used to it by this point. Every time, EVERY TIME i find myself crushing on someone, it so happens that a friend of mine crushes on that very same person. And it gets better. Without fail, they would come to me and break the news before i even get the chance to sort my feelings for the person out. I would have to hide the hurt and shock, put on the best smile i can and congratulate them. What's worse is that they would ask me for advice. Ask me for help. 'What to do? Do you think he likes me? Can you put in a good word with him for me?' and i'll have to say 'Sure, he likes you. You should go confess to him. I'll definitely put in a few good words for you'. Always the same thing. I'm getting a little sick and tired of it. Not to sound like a bitch, but don't i deserve to crush on someone and not have to give him up for my friends?
I value my friendship which is why i can't seem to tell them that i like the same guy they do. I force myself into giving up my feelings for this certain someone so that it wouldn't come between me and my friend. Besides, compared to my friends i probably don't stand a chance, do i? I keep telling myself that it's for the best. That my friends deserve to be happy. But don't i deserve to be happy as well? I try to talk myself into believing that i'll be perfectly fine. Still, the damage has been done and the hurt just won't go away. It gnaws at me from within, claws at my insides and shreds my heart.
Don't get me wrong, i LOVE my friends. However, i would like to able to crush on someone without having to give that certain someone up. Sure, i hadn't been very sure of my feelings for the 'person' i had mentioned in the post before. But obviously, it wasn't just my imagination that had churned up that feeling. I truly did feel the 'affection' i had talked about. I couldn't stop myself as i fell harder for him with every passing minute. Hours later, my friend comes to me and tells me how much she likes him and pops my little bubble of hope. You have no idea how much it hurts, really. I mean if it happened just once, maybe it wouldn't feel this bad. But it hasn't just happened once. It has happened so many freakin' times. There's only so much a girl can take, ya'know?
My first crush goes down the drain when he comes to me, telling me he likes my friend. I ended up match-making them. Hooray.
The next few crushes went down the drain as well when my friends came to me, telling me how much they liked the said next few crushes.
And now, this. I'm giving up my feelings for someone all over again for a friend who i don't wish to lose. But do i want to lose this certain someone i like? Obviously not. Of course, i can't keep them both. I had to choose and god forbid me, i chose. I chose my friend.
Mind you, i'm not wallowing in self pity. I'm simply trying to mend my constantly broken heart by pouring out my thoughts and feelings in here. This blog of mine has become more personal. Which is why i made it private. I want this to be my internet diary. A diary that only i, and perhaps one or two others, can read.
I just.. Wish that it didn't have to keep ending like this. Ending with me sacrificing my feelings. It hurts. It hurts a whole bloody lot. And honestly, my feelings for this 'certain someone' was somewhat different than my feelings for the other 'certain someones'. It was more.. Stronger. More prominent. I had definitely been falling for him hard. Very hard. It's going to take some time to get over it. It's happening all too soon. I just started to realise my feelings for him and already i have to give it up for a friend? Not an easy feat. I doubt i'll be able to get over my feelings for him anytime soon. Who knows? I might even try and wait for him. Of course, i would have to deal with the feeling of guilt then. Guilty because i liked the boy my friend liked. Guilty because i couldn't get over him even though i knew she liked him. How unfair. I have to deal with all this and keep her happy.
However, when i see that smile of my friend's face, thinking that he was only hers, it makes me think that maybe, just maybe, my suffering might be worthwhile. Making her happy makes all the pain go away. For the moment, at least. Knowing that her hopes and feelings didn't have to be crushed like mine did was a piece of information which was soothing in its own way. Seeing her joyous and love struck makes all the suffering seem so worthwhile. Well, what do you think? Is it worthwhile? I just can't give up my friendship for a boy, even though the boy happens to have made me fall head over heels for him ( Lol. Cheesy or what? Don't mind the cheesiness. x.x ). Good friends are hard to come by and i might as well treasure this friendship while i still have it. Why wreck my friendship for a boy who i hardly think i have a chance with, eh? If it makes her happy and if it makes him happy then i might as well just stay like i am now. Be the girl who has to hide her feelings for him and helps with getting her friend and him together. Okay, now i'm really starting to sound like i'm wallowing in self pity. Blehhh.
I'm just going to stop talking about it for now. It just hurts even more to think about it. So yea, let us move on to a lighter topic.
Well, today was Shieh Ying's birthday. She's turned sixteen! And i'm still about three months away from turning sixteen. =/ Anywho, we celebrated her birthday and it was super duper duper duper fun! Seriously! Check the pictures out of FB. ;D I loved the cake, all the laughter and all the smiles. It lifted up my spirits which had been a little down. (:
Ying, Ms Drama Queen,
I totally and absolutely <3 you. Haha. In a sister-sister friend-friend way. She's cute, dramatic and completely huggable. Lol. Is that even a word? Huggable. d: Anywaaays, she's super smart and extremely funny. I'm lucky to have found a friend like her. (: I'm lucky to have found friends like the rest of THEM as well. Too lazy to type out the names. Hehe.
Right, so, this is where i should probably get going. My post is freakin' long. Lol. Oh and i changed the blogskin. I didn't want something that was white or black. Kinda got tired of those colours so i chose something like beige. I think it looks simple and nice, just the way i like it. (: Okieeee. Imma take off now. Bye Bee~
xoxo
Geetha
Kryptonite
Wednesday, September 1, 2010 at5:16 PM
If i'm Superman, then you're my kryptonite. (:
Translation: You're my weakness.
Yeap, that phrase up there is actually my FB status right now. Hee~ Sooo. Well, i was reading through my posts the other night and i realized that it's been a rather long time since i sounded like a love-struck girl who loved to write totally cheesy things and what not. Damn, how embarrassing. Lol. Then again, i was 15 then and 15 now (Though, i'll be turning 16 in about three months time). I can't help it. (: What kind of a girl would i be if i didn't sound love-struck now and then, eh? So, i've decided to rant about 'love' today. Muahaha. Don't like it? Here's the solution: See that red box at the top right-hand corner of the page with a big cross in it? Click on it and you wouldn't have to read this post. :D
Right, so, let us begin. It's amazing how i used to like a certain someone a little too much even though i knew perfectly well that i didn't have a chance with him. Totally stupid of me. But at least i've gotten over it now. (: Honestly, i have. Come to think of it, i haven't had time for anything related to love. I've been totally busy with school and family. Guess, being a teenager isn't as easy as it should have been. I know a few people who are single and feel totally lonely. They're almost desperate to find someone to love. I, on the other hand, feel the opposite way. I'm single and feel totally happy just the way i am. I'm perfectly fine with the way things are right now. Really, i do. Perhaps it could be because i've been too busy to actually have the time to feel desperate for love? I don't know. It might also be because i've convinced myself that i don't need anything to do with relationship after having seen so many people suffer while they were in relationships. That might just be it. I'm scared. Scared of getting myself into a relationship. It's the fact that it might be doomed that scares me. In my earlier days, i might have been prepared to face that doom, but i'm no longer prepared. All that bravado has melted away over the years as i watch people i know go through so much agony because of relationships. So i've persuaded myself into thinking that i don't need any relationships. Convinced myself that i'm be perfectly fine with being single.
Of course, this is where i mention how most people are barely able to escape the clutches of love. Or well, in most teenagers' case, what they presume to be love. I, for one, don't think that it's possible to find love at this age. It's impossible. Or at least, almost impossible. Teenagers are still a little behind on the maturity scale to actually find love. What comes at this age is called affection. Or maybe even lust. Either, or. Who knows? It's hard to differentiate the two things when struck by 'em. Whatever it is, i don't think it's wrong to get involved in a relationship, though. It's perfectly fine if both parties don't step out of the line and don't let it affect their studies. A good relationships will definitely bring forth a perfect balance between studies and everything else. Am i even making sense? Okay, never mind. Let's just move on.
So, you're probably wondering what's up with the lecture on what love is and blah, blah, blah. Well, i think i might be feeling that affection for someone. I don't know for sure, but yea. There you have it. However, there's a slight problem. I don't know why, but i just feel like this will never work out. I feel like i'm just way too out of his league. And maybe i am. It's at times like this that i would love to get a few reassurances. A few encouraging words. Of course, no matter what i got, there will always be a question lingering amongst my thoughts. Am i really worthy enough for him?
When you compare him to me, the difference is just so prominent. So evident. Maybe it's best i chucked this feeling away before it grew into something bigger? Because, honestly, i'm not prepared to get my hopes high only to have crushed mercilessly. Remember the phrase "The bigger you are, the harder you fall" ? The bigger this feeling gets the harder it'll fall and crash. Not a good thing. Best if i got rid of it before if grew.. Still, it's easier said then done. However, i'm just gonna try. Who knows? It might be nothing more than just my imagination that had churned up this feeling, right?
Well, i guess that's about it folks. Enough chattery about 'love'. I have ta go before my mom starts shouting at me so that i'll get off the computer (I've been on for hours). Oh and before i go, here are a few songs that i'm recommending for people to hear. They might be old, but they're awesome anyways.
-Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down
-Best I Ever Had by State of Shock
-Innocence by Avril Lavigne
-Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls
-Here Without You by 3 Doors Down
-Love Game by Lady Gaga
-A Total Eclipse Of The Heart ( Glee cast version )
-4 Minutes ( Glee cast version )
-Beth ( Glee cast version )
And finally before i part, i would like to announce officially to the whole world that i'm a total GLEEK. (: Glee is the best show ever. WATCH IT! d: And if you're one of those people who hate Glee, lemme tell you this: You're a sad excuse for a living thing and you can go and jump off a building for all i care. Heee~ Right, i should better go. Bye Bee~
xoxo
Geetha
