Life can be such a bitch sometimes

Saturday, December 11, 2010 at11:46 PM

Dear Diary,

Haha. I love writing that. Kind of makes the blog much more personal. So, I'm blogging again after another long break. I knew I would let the blog die again. Lol. Good thing I hadn't made any promises.

Judging by the heading I had given this post, I'm guessing that my current mood isn't very hard to place. Yeap, I'm in quite a foul mood. Well, maybe 'foul' isn't the right word. 'Sad' would be a more fitting term to use. But the sadness had already started engulfing me, once again, since the day I turned sixteen.

7th December 2010. The day I had officially turned sixteen. The day had been downright fucked up. Seriously, I'm not being dramatic or whatsoever. My birthday had been a fucked up mess. My FATHER didn't wish me. Not at all. It's either he forgot, couldn't be bothered or was holding things against me. All three excuses are equally upsetting, so it makes no difference with regards to which is the correct reason. I mean, he's my Father for god's sake. I've loved him all my life and this is what I get for having stood up for my rights that past one week. Is defending myself a crime? I can't just keep succumbing to him and not spare myself a thought. I'm not a saint who sacrifices everything she has. I'm human too.
As if my father not wishing me wasn't enough, my phone had been astoundingly silent that whole day. Sure, I got tons of wishes on FB. But it would have been nice if someone, other then my sister and Jboi, had taken the effort to call me up and wish me. I could even bet that a few had forgotten. A few who I had thought of as my closest friends. Better still, one of my closest friends didn't wish me.

So, this is where I start ranting about the ridge that has formed between me and my friends.
I love them, I really do. I know it's my fault for not being there often enough. But a true friendship would last through all that. Most of my attention and energy is often caught amidst family matters. I'm left little and sometimes nothing at all to channel into my friendships. Then again, like I had mentioned before, a true friendship would last through all of that. A true friend would understand and give their all to uphold the friendship we share. To make is last. Instead, I've found myself becoming the dummy whose back they enjoy stabbing these days. I'm not going to elaborate any further about what's happening. I would rather talk about how I'm feeling.

I'm feeling lonely. Completely and utterly alone. I'm surrounded by so many people, yet the loneliness has engulfed me once again, bringing sadness along with it as well. I had grown very close to my sister, but I've come to realise that no matter how close we are, there are certain things that I can't help with. Things that requires her friends' help and not mine. And of course, when she's down at times, she would seek out her friends instead of me. I don't blame her, though. It's my fault for not knowing how to help her. All I can do is stay silent and let her have her space. Besides, she's 21 and I'm only 16. I'm glad that she confides in my often about everything, but does it change the fact that her friends would always come first? Hm. If I didn't know any better, I'd say I sound jealous. Maybe i am. Jealous about the fact that I can't help her like her friends help her. Once again, it's not her fault. Blame it on my inability to help her. I'm pretty darn useless when she cries and such. I just stand there not knowing what to do. I would probably be afraid as well, since I don't know what would make her snap. I'd be afraid about ruining her already ruined mood with my annoying chatter. Yes, I know I'm annoying. You know, if it wasn't for her, my 16th birthday would have been completely disappointing. She had called me up, wished me, told me she loved me and made my day. How I wish I could also make her day with just a single sentence. I'm starting to feel like I'm failing her as a sister. I mean, she understands me so well and knows what to say to make me happy. I, on the other hand, have got not a single clue what to do when she's down and let fear overwhelm me, keeping my mouth shut.

Then there are my sister's friends. Jboi, is the only one who I've grown close to. I've managed to come out of my shell and learned to be a little less introverted around him. I'm totally fond of him. He's like an awesome brother to me. Still, there's still such a huge gap in our friendship. I can't deny the glaring truth, can I? The fact that he would always be my sister's friend and not exactly mine. Every one of the boys would always be my sister's friend and not mine. Once again, it's not their fault. I guess it had been foolish of me to look for friendship amidst them since my own friends had drifted away from me. I mean, if my own friends would drift away from me, what's the point of trying to befriend my sister's friends? [ Yes, i know how confusing it sounds. But blehh ]

All this would bring us back the whole 'I'm feeling so lonely' thing again. I just feel so alone. Like I'm the only person on a ship in the middle of a ocean. Surrounded by water, yet utterly alone. I'm yearning for some attention. Yearning for some love and care. I, too, want someone to always be there for me, call me in the middle of the night, bring me out, give me surprises, make me come out of my shell, make me laugh endlessly and help me smile no matter how sad I might feel. Someone to take away this agonizing feeling of loneliness.

I'll be totally honest, okay? I feel so lonely that I don't see the point in living anymore. My father no longer loves me and I don't wish to talk to him either, my mother hardly has time to listen to me, my friends have left me and my sister doesn't need another burden in her life. Yea, that's what I feel like. Like an unwanted burden. What's the point of forcing myself, a burden, onto others right? I've tried shutting out, but it never really works. I've tried to ignore how I feel, but it doesn't work either. Eventually, the feeling of loneliness attacks me once again and would have it's death-like hold around my neck, choking me slowly.



I'm standing in the middle of a room filled with light, yet I feel like I'm surrounded by nothing but darkness. I'm standing on solid ground, yet I feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper into an empty void filled with nothingness. I'm standing on the rooftop while the cool air's brushing against my skin constantly, yet I feel like my body's being burned a white-hot flame. I'm pointing at all the different people in an attempt to find the source for this mayhem, yet it seems my finger points back to me and tells me i'm the one to be blamed.